Lately I have been struggling with lots of things. At some point in the past week I sat back and looked at my life and realized that I just haven’t been happy. I think this realization may have occurred shortly after Chris made a comment to me to the effect of “I miss my old wife…” He said he was tired of being treated awful by me and he wanted his old wife back. I felt bad when he said that. I know that all I ever do is nag him & yell and argue with him. He probably feels like he can never do anything right. Even on Saturday mornings, I’m the one yelling at him and telling him he needs to get out of bed and get out of bed NOW! I need help!
I feel like I’m at my wits end on a daily basis sometimes. I do not look forward to the days that I’m home alone with the girls. I dread them most of the time. And I feel like an awful mother for feeling that way. I want to enjoy my beautiful, adorable daughters, but instead I simply see parenting them as a huge challenge. I get up on Monday morning and think “How am I going to make it through today & tomorrow?” I welcome any & all help I can get… and I feel like such a sob story whenever I talk to my closest friends & family - it’s like I expect them to drop everything & rush over & help me parent my children when I am feeling overwhelmed - which is most of the time. And if people know full well I’m having a rough time and they don’t offer to help me, I get upset. I hang up the phone & cry and have a pity party. Can’t they see I need a break from my children or I’m going to go insane? I wonder what some people really think of me. It shouldn’t pertain to this situation, but this phrase keeps coming to my mind lately: You’ve made your bed, now you must lie in it. Usually this phrase means you have to suffer the consequences of your decisions. But why do I feel like this phrase pertains to my life right now? I must be an awful mother to feel this way: I had 2 children too close together and now I must deal with it. In a nutshell: it’s my own fault that my life is so stressful & overwhelming. And I cannot expect my friends or family to help me every time I’m stressed out. I need to get a grip and quit relying on others to help me stay sane.
Anyway, all this rambling on stemmed from the thought at the beginning - Chris sharing with me how he missed his old wife. And I realized I am so sick & tired of being stressed out all the time & I’m tired of always yelling - at Chris and at Chloe. I want to be happy & carefree and I want to enjoy life. I had a long conversation about some of this with my Mom on Saturday night (it had been a long day). And Sunday morning my Mom included me in their prayers at Church (my step-Dad is a pastor). And I truly believe it was because of the prayers of God’s faithful people, that our day on Sunday went well. Out of nowhere, I found a new love for my husband renewed in my heart. The past 4 months I have felt nothing toward him. It was a rare occasion that we would even hug one another. But on Sunday, I just wanted to love him & hug him. He was completely taken aback - since I haven’t been like this toward him in so long. And it’s amazing that once I start to show more love toward him, how everything just seems better. When I treat him kindly and when I love him, he will help me with the girls much more willingly and he will help me in other ways… and it’s so nice. Everything goes smoother. If I want to feel love and feel less stressed, then I need to love others first & foremost.
Since Sunday things have been going much better. Monday was so different - I actually enjoyed playing with Chloe and Maya during the day and instead of just doing what I had to do - I tried to be a 'good' mom instead of just a mom that's surviving the in's & out's of the day! And I’ve been reminded about the power of prayer. I am so glad my Mom lifted me up to the Lord at her Church on Sunday. I know God listened & I’m so grateful. Sometimes when we are so low and don’t want to cry out to God, it is good to have someone else intervene and lift us up to the Lord - no matter who is doing the lifting - it seems God will always reach down and pick us up.
I know life might be hard right now, but I have to persevere and really cherish the beautiful moments... The moments when only Chloe’s silly antics can make Maya smile and giggle. And the moments when Chloe just can’t get enough of Maya and will hug Maya’s tiny foot and cuddle it, while she lets out a little giggle and says “Awww” at the same time. If only I could love everyone with that same kind of love - what a beautiful & happy house we would have!
Well, I guess these are enough of my deep thoughts for now... Please continue to keep our marriage & our little family in your prayers -- that our love for one another will grow!
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